--This, of course, depends on two things. First, one's skill with the art of negotiation, which in turn requires an almost inexhaustable knowledge of 'things' and their seasonal alterations and accordant prices, as well as a deft mind that can convert last year's model prices into fake knockoff dollars, and then into Renminbi. The second, and perhaps more important, is a qualified bodyguard (some enterprising individual now rents them out at the front door, much to the chagrin of the marketsellers). The bodyguard is necessary not to watch your purse or purchased items, but to wade unhindered into the kiosk and extract you bodily should you ever make the reckless decision not to buy the thing you just asked the price of.
--Thinking of the Pearl Market as a discreet collection of Polo shirt/Coach bag-selling kiosks is a monumental misunderstanding. It is much more akin to an army base in which the soldiers get paid by the kill. Customers walk in there wearing the enemy's uniform: naievete and an idiotic surprised grin. There are no Chinese customers at the Pearl. (Ok, not to peel away the fourth wall, but that statement was made for dramatic effect, and is entirely untrue. I just wanted to point out that it's mostly foreign people who are the whales to the slaughter, that's all.) If you make it out of the place without something you don't need, then you haven't purchased anything, and you should treat yourself to a steak dinner. If you make it out of there feeling like you've gotten away with theft, I have a bridge to sell you.--If you aren't getting the picture (I know, you probably are), here's a typical purchasing scenario: It begins with your eyes glued resolutely to the tips of your swinging shoes as you attempt to shove your way down the kiosk-lined corridor. If you do not raise your head one inch, you will only have small Chinese women grabbing at your arm or screaming in your face, which, they have all noticed with a sense of irony, is pointed right at them because of your (meaning my) enormous height. This forces you to lift your eyes from their faces as you attempt to circumvent their hysterics. At that moment, you will inevitably lock eyes, even for just a split second, with some sort of garment, 'antique' trinket, accessory, or electronic device. This causes a frenzy of activity, as three different women dive into their junk-laden caves to grab a handful of the exact same object you momentarily gazed upon and immediately disregarded. Now they come at you armed with things. All this can be forcibly ignored with a resolute enough will. However, eventually you will lock eyes with something ever-so-mildly interesting. In your mind, for the briefest instant, you think, "Gee, it'd be nice to have that. Too bad I'm poor. Oh well...Actually, maybe it's really cheap here. I wonder if I can get them to settle on a price I find reasonable." In that briefest instant, you may as well have taken off your pants and run screaming through the hallway, that's how conspicuous you are. Pounce. Out of nowhere, ten tiny hands grip your person and yank you into the kiosk. This is in no uncertain terms the unexaggerated truth. They actually grab you and pull you bodily into the shop, like a puppy at the vet. The bodyguard stands back warily, ready for any indication you are about to drown. Before you realize what has happened, you are face-to-face with 10 variations of whatever item initially caught your eye and a Chinese woman so fierce and animated that you instinctively cover your eyes. With one hand pulling down on your wrist and one hand holding ten shirts/shoes/watches/bags
--She smiles like a frog in a fly factory. "Oh, well, this not cheap knockoff like other there. This real leather, not so cheap. Normal pwice..." (steel yourself) "...is..." (typing on calculator) "...105628500.00 Yuan. No no no! Come back here! We friends, I not make you pay this! This normal pwice! Not friend pwice! For you, friend, I give big discount! Look here! Ok, for you, I give..." (typing) "...105628000.00 Yuan! Is good pwice! Come back! We friends now!"
--You are inevitably pulling your way to the threshold of her kiosk, and she's throwing a tantrum. The initial price is so outrageous that you require no acting skills to let her know that this is way more than you wanted to spend. What it does is make you think twice about your own initial offer. If you're tough, you stick with your gut. And then take another 90% off that. If you're not tough, you end up changing your initial asking price based on her first offer. By the way, the accent I've written into this exchange is only there to show you how good their English is. It is not to make fun of the way they talk. For one thing, they speak English 105628500 times better than I will ever speak Chinese. I just thought I should clear that up. So, then it's your turn to reply.
"That's WAY too much. I don't even want it. Bye."
"Wait! You not happy?! We friends, you tell me, what you want to pay?" She hands over the calculator. This is the moment of truth. Where will this all begin?
You type in "10 Yuan."
She looks up like you just punched her daughter in the face. And she's frighteningly quiet now. "Listen. We friends. I thought you like me. Why you give me pwice for sock? How much you pay for sock? This jacket (let's just say for the sake of the exercise). No sock. Seriously. How much you pay for sock?" She reaches down with a fourth hand and grabs at your sock. At this point you are utterly confused. Why is she suddenly talking about socks? You have to move on.
"No, we're too far apart. I have to go now." Pull unconvincingly.
"Wait wait. Ok. Fine, I give you good pwice for jacket. Not sock. Ok, here: 105624000 Yuan. This best pwice. Ok?"
"What? That's barely different!"
"Ok, what you pay for nice jacket? Give me you best pwice!" She shoves the calc over to you.
"Well, I guess I could go to...25 Yuan."
"Whatwhatwhat?" I'll simplify the exchange from here on out. There are some subtleties, like when she tells you that if she takes your price she'll actually be getting less than she paid for it, and you tell her that you might be able to squeeze out an extra 10 Yuan if you borrow cab fare from your friends, but it basically goes something like this (with several pretend walkings-away resulting in large-scale multi-person riots):
"105620000"
"50"
"105600000"
"60"
"105000000"
"65"
"5000000" BIG protestations.
"75"
"100000" Tantrum.
"100"
"5000" Wow. What just happened?
"150" She's peeing with glee.
"1000"
"175" Got you right where she wants you.
"500"
"200" You can't stop. You just can't.
"400"
"250"
"350"
"280"
"Ok, you want 280, I want 350, let's split. 310! Best pwice! You happy, me happy."
"300"
"You make me poor! Come on, 310, best pwice!"
Go ahead and try to walk away at this moment. I have friends who attempted it. The woman will scream out in Chinese and all the other women from nearby kiosks will come running over to form a barricade. It's impossible to break away once you've gotten to the end of the negotiation, even with your bodyguard pushing and shoving his way through the reef of little women. He's really only there to get you out after the first back and forth. Beyond that you're on your own.
--That's when you realize that you've just promised this woman 300 Yuan for a jacket you didn't even want, which is precisely 5 times what she bought it for, and 3 times more than you initially wanted to pay. It's an utterly humiliating moment. But no matter how much you thrash and scream, eventually you will get out of there with a new jacket, 300 fewer Quai (she budges at the last second, to make you feel better about your purchase), and a feeling of having been part of something ancient and mystical. You are but one in a long line of foreign suckers.
--Congratulations. Now go take your jacket home and watch as its seams split upon first wearing.
-c
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